Probably of the funniest, convicting articles I've read lately. Thanks, Bruce!
A Scientific Trend Study By Jeff Sherman
CrossFitters, there is new development in the CrossFit® community that is manifesting on a global level. It is a trend that was at first believed to be limited to a small percentage of CrossFitters near Kopavogur, Iceland and Cookeville, Tennessee in the United States. Scientists have now discovered through meticulous research that it is appearing in CrossFit gyms and in the homes and workplaces of CrossFit athletes worldwide. I am speaking of course, about HyperCrossFittism [hahy-per kraws fitt-iz-uh m].
At first glance, HyperCrossFittism may just appear as a light rash/abrasion on the interior thigh or lateral ankle region, or on occasion acute skin peeling on the palms of the hands. These symptoms are merely a precursor to the imminent full-scale onset of HyperCrossFittism.
SYMPTOMS OF HYPERCROSSFITTISM
- Performing “kettlebell swings” with jugs of milk.
- Using your kids to help with joint mobilization or for weighted exercises.
- Pointing out things on the street, to complete strangers, that you “could jump on to”.
- Calling out “Time!” after the following: (but not limited to these…)
- Getting ready for work in the morning
- Placing groceries on the conveyor belt at the store
- Retrieving your newspaper or mail
- Pumping gas
- Conversations begin with “So, I PR’d my Squat Snatch” or “I kicked Cindy’s ass this morning”, followed by an awkward silence.
- Secretly waiting for the day you’ll “need” to deadlift your 1 rep max to save someone’s life.
- Overhead squatting Costco dog food bags between sample tasting.
- Your daily schedule is in 10 and 20 minute AMRAPs.
- You own more CrossFit shoes than work and casual shoes combined.
- You refer to Kelly Starrett and Carl Paoli by first name as if you’re personal friends.
- Kelly and Carl’s videos outrank anything that is on your DVR.
- You begin “learning a new sport” that you probably have no business playing.
- Cleaning the garage, only to make room for pull-up bars and gymnastic rings.
- Blowing your family clothing budget due to your ever decreasing body size.
- Loss of contact with friends because they were tired of hearing how “rewarding” and “challenging” CrossFit is.
- Your vacation photos are riddled with handstand photos near anything that may count as a tourist attraction.
- You talk openly about doing “Barbara” or “Annie” or a host of other women.
- Volunteering to move your neighbor’s landscape boulders… by hand.
- You often yell “No rep!” when watching strangers pick things up.
- You know other CrossFit members’ back squat weights and Fran times, but may not remember their last name or what they do for a living.
- There is no longer any shame or embarrassment from spending the day in your CrossFit clothing.
- Insomnia, due to strategizing the next day’s WOD.
- If just one WOD is missed, extreme irritability sets in.
Three or more of the symptoms listed above occurring after at least six months of CrossFit membership, meets the clinical diagnosis of HyperCrossFittism. Although currently incurable, HyperCrossFittism can be managed with the help of your physician, a Level 1 certified coach, and in some instances a mental health specialist.
Muscle Snatch 5x1
Power Snatch 5x3
*Take as much time as you need between sets